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Young Moms + Dating: How long should you wait?

By: Ms. L. Thomas

How long should a Young Urban Mom wait before having sex with a new partner? The responses may surprise you!

After speaking with a close girlfriend about her dating frustrations, I posed a few questions to my female Twitter followers about dating and sex.

I wanted to check on the dating game, since I’ve been out of the scene for at least 10 years. My girlfriend said things aren’t the same as it used to be, and that I wouldn’t be able to understand how everything works now.

But how much of a difference could a decade make?

I decided to do my own little research, and asked some other young urban moms online a few questions to catch me up on the dating game.

When I was younger (before motherhood), my strategy for selecting a boyfriend was to spend time with a man without being intimate for as long as I could to see if he really liked me. At the time, that was the best strategy I could come up with and it strategy worked for me. However, I know not everyone feels the same.

I started my questions with the basic: How long should a woman wait before having sex with a man that she’s interested in and wants as a boyfriend? A few young ladies were similar to me, and thought that we must first know and interact with the man before we get to know him intimately. Some women, on the other hand, were more specific with their time frames and religiously adhered to that number. Other women were the exact opposite and provided me with answers like, “If the chemistry is right, it can happen whenever the time is right.” Some women stated they couldn’t make it through a month with a love interest without intimacy. While others noted a mental/intellectual attraction to a man would cause them to wait. My favorite response, however, was that a woman “should wait until she’s ready to deal with whatever consequences may come from the encounter.”

I can definitely co-sign with that, because it’s responsible.

I took my research a little further, and asked my team of experts whether this “waiting game” affected the outcome of a relationship. Does the amount of time a woman waits increases the chances of her successfully finding a long-term mate?

Answers varied and ranged from everything like it depends on what I want out of the relationship to that didn’t affect the success of the relationship, while others believed that all you have to do is give off the vibe that you’re the one and can offer everything he imagines so the waiting didn’t matter. I’m not sure if I can support the vibing theory on selecting a long-term mate. I like to determine my decisions on actions better, preferably the action and commitment of remaining in the relationship although intimacy has not yet occurred yet.

So then the question needs to be posed as to – what is intimacy? Is getting to know someone part of intimacy, or do you get to know someone becoming intimate? The majority of women agreed with me that intimacy is not part of getting to know a man, instead you should get to know the man to become intimate. There seemed to be a clear distinction between getting to know someone and pure physical attraction. An observation was made that the pure, physical attraction type of sex was not as intense as the sex between two adults who knew/trusted each other well. I can also agree with this observation, because trust elevates intimacy to another level.

Finally, I asked if by having sex with someone were you implying that you trust them with your life?

Personally, I equate sex with life. Sex can not only create a life, but also take life away with the diseases that are floating around. Through this Q&A, I was shocked to find so many woman not link the two together. More than half of the woman didn’t trust their partners with their life, but yet they would have sex with them. As a mother, my main priority is being around to support and provide for my family. I can’t imagine taking risks that could possibly take me away from them. Overall, I learned that in the current dating game trust, sex and dating are all being compartmentalized, and that my girlfriend was right – things have changed.

You can follow Mrs. L Smith on Twitter @md20737.

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